“Oooh somebody responded to my presentation review! I wonder who it wa-OH CRAP SHE READ IT!!!”

I’ve always had this weird scenario running though my head; What if I lived in a country run by a malicious dictator?  And then what if I wrote or said something bad about the dictator and later found out that he read or heard what I said?  What would my reaction be?

I think it would be, “HUUAHGGHUPTTHT!”

At least that’s what I did when I discovered what Kathy Moore, an artist who gave a presentation at my college, read a review I wrote poking fun at her presentation.  I was sitting in the science building’s study hall eating breakfast and checking this blog using my laptop when…  “Oh somebody commented on my last post!  Wow she wrote a lot, who is she?  …Kathy MoorHUUAHGGHUPTTHT!”  That last part was me inhaling my milk.  In cartoons if something surprising happens when the character is taking a drink, they violently spit it out, but apparently in real life you just inhale whatever you are drinking and almost die.

Here is my response to Kathy:

Your paintings were all really well made and I liked pretty much all of them (except for a few of your self-portraits –  some had super-intense eyes that seemed to stare into my soul, but maybe that’s what you were going for).  Your perspective paintings with the planks and boards running everywhere were very cool, especially how you could see both the ceiling and the floor in the painting.

However, I was attempting to write a humorous article so I played off the fact that at least 50% of your paintings or drawings had some kind of 2×4 plank of wood running through it somewhere.  The paintings were awesome, but saying something like, “Kathy used long wooden boards in most of her paintings to help make her extremely accurate use of depth and perception more prominent” is not funny.  Saying something like, “I really liked Kathy’s paintings of wooden planks, especially the first 229 of them,” or, “If the 2×4 industry ever goes into recession, Kathy Moore could single-handedly bring it out of decline just by re-purchasing all of her still-life materials,” is funnier.

As for Abstract paintings…   I used to like them.  Most abstract paintings look cool or interesting, but then I realized that the artists were selling them for more money than the last 5 generations of my extended family have made in their entire lifetimes combined.  A few years back Dateline, 60 minutes, 20/20 or some other news show ran a program where they had 4-6 year old kids take a paintbrush and flick paint at a canvas.  They then took the “paintings” to professional art appraisers but didn’t tell them that they were made by kids throwing paint around.  The art appraisers thought the paintings were amazing and priced them at several million dollars each.

So because of this I have an innate dislike towards abstract paintings.  I mean if I knew I could paint two slightly-tilted rectangles of different colors and then sell it for billions, I would have done that years ago!  In fact, I think I did paint that years ago!  In kindergarten.  But I made the mistake of sticking it on my fridge instead of taking it to an art museum.

So there was nothing wrong with your abstract art and you have every right to show it off as an example of variety if you want to, but in the back of my head I was thinking, “So did she have a design plan behind that painting or did she just flick paint at the canvas like those kids did?”  But that’s just me.

So sorry if I hurt your feelings Kathy.  I was just required to write a review of your presentation for a class and I tried to make it funny.  Then I posted the review on my blog because my blog was starved of material.  Then you read it.  Didn’t see that coming.

And if anyone else has the opportunity to see Kathy’s work, please go check it out.  It’s really good, especially if you like perspective or have a general liking of wooden boards.  Oh and while you’re there, check out her super-intense self portraits; you’ll feel like the eyes of God are looking deep into your soul.  You’ll know what I mean when you see it

Explore posts in the same categories: Random Funny Articles

Tags: Abstract, apology, Artist, Humor, Kathy Moore, oops, painter, Painting, perspective, Presentation

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