Archive for March 2008

Caw II

March 17, 2008

Another Wittenberg crow-related article I wrote:

I had a terrifying experience the other day.  I was walking from the Hyper-Center towards Ferncliff when I passed a tree filled with roosting crows next to Myers Hall.  I know this is going to be hard to comprehend but right as I was passing the tree, the crow-scaring electronic bell went off on top of Myers and the crows didn’t even budge!  Horrifying I know, but I somehow I managed to keep my composure and make my way down to Ferncliff.  Why was this occurrence so scary?  It’s because this is proof that the crows are evolving!  Think about it from a medical standpoint.  When penicillin was first discovered, it did EVERYTHING.  It destroyed bacteria and viruses, cured diseases, eliminated back pain AND removed tough stains.  Now penicillin is kind of a joke in the microbe community; in fact, most bacteria like it.

“Oh no!” the bacteria will cry, trying to keep a straight face while writhing their cilia in fake agony.  “Not Penicillin!!  Anything but that!  Please, have mercy!”  But as soon as the scientist turns off the microscope and leaves the room, all the bacteria erupt into laughter and high-five each other’s flagella before sitting down to a banquet of penicillin.  Now let’s look at the crows:  During the fall of 2006 the crows were completely terrified of the air cannon. Even though it work well against the crows, it also caused everybody within a two mile radius to either drop to the ground and cover their heads or sprint indoors while weaving back and forth in a serpentine fashion.  But by last fall the air cannon didn’t even cause the crows to flinch.  So Wittenberg implemented the next crow-scaring tactic: the Electric Bell/Shrieking Demon Monkey Recording.  This worked very well at first.  In fact, even I was scared the first time I heard that weird shrieking recording.  But now it appears that the crows no longer fear even that, so what next?  What if these evolved “Super-Crows” begin breeding with America’s normal (as in “stupid”) crow population and they begin to branch out?  I can only imagine the horror:  News programs begin broadcasting non-stop coverage and information on the locations of the spreading Super-Crow flocks.  A permanent ban on bird trading between countries is put into place.  Terror sweeps across European nations upon hearing rumors of a villager encountering a crow that did not fly away when it heard a church bell.  Citizens are required by law to shoot and kill any crow that remains in a tree after an air cannon is fired.  Newspaper headlines read, “Bird Flu Outbreak is the Last Hope for Mankind.”  Society falls into turmoil.

But don’t worry, we have a chance to prevent a future like this!  A permanent and entertaining solution would be for the Student Senate to advertise crow hunting as an attractive and fun sport.  Every year once all the students are home for Winter Break, a 3 week “crow season” would open on Wittenberg’s campus.  The best part is that because of the crow’s familiarity with the air cannon, most of them will be sitting ducks.
Crow #1: “There they go again with that air cannon.”
Crow #2: “Haha yeah.  Hey Steve, want to fly up for a few seconds and pretend like we’re scared?  Steve?  Why’d you fall to the ground Steve?”

Some nitpickers might point out that this plan isn’t exactly environmentally friendly, but we can counter this by sending the dead crows to Antarctica to become food for seals.  Everybody wins!  Remember, we aren’t doing this for ourselves;  we’re doing this for our children.  Do you want your kids to live in a world where every morning they wake up in fear, dreading to look outside and see their car carpet-bombed with bird droppings?  I didn’t think so.